Today should’ve been a birthday

It still seems completely surreal that I should’ve been giving birth today. It feels like so much has happened, but yet nothing has. It’s odd how it can feel like time completely flew by but also like it totally stood still.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m SO thankful to be pregnant and expecting a baby in May. In fact, if I weren’t pregnant, this day would be a thousand times harder. I’m sure of that. But it’s weird to think that we wouldn’t have this baby if it hadn’t been for the loss of that baby.

All the reminders of where I woulda/shoulda/coulda have now come flooding back. The way we told our families: That instead of having a turkey this year, we were going to have a baby. (Get it? Cute, right?) Talking about how I wouldn’t be able to cook because I’d either be in the hospital or about to pop. Now hearing from a friend’s husband with news of their Thanksgiving baby. Reading all the Facebook statuses of friends who were also due at Thanksgiving and hearing how they’re “so over it” and “just ready to be done already.” Seeing pictures of their nurseries as I type this in the room that would’ve been a finished nursery by now.

And to add to the emotions, I announced my pregnancy at work this week. Not at all intentional to coincide with this timing. It’s just I wanted to get it out there since I’m really starting to show. I feel almost… heartless. Here I am celebrating and smiling the week of my lost baby’s supposed birth. I know it sounds really lame, like I shouldn’t feel that way at all and it’s just so silly. I don’t know how to explain this weird feeling. Maybe like in a way I’m cheating on that baby? Like I’m laughing and smiling at a funeral? Does that make any sense? One of my coworkers came up to congratulate me and asked, “This is your second, right?” It actually hurt, on this week of all weeks, answering “yes.” Because, really, what do you say? It’s totally not PC to go into the whole loss thing. But at the same time, it just feels like a completely cruel joke to say yes. Like it further invalidates the loss and maybe even pushes it further out of reality.

But on the other end of things, I do sort of feel like I need to “get over it” for this baby’s sake. Instead of today being exciting with the announcement of my pregnancy, I felt that twinge of guilt. Instead of feeling like I’ve really passed another milestone by making it to my 17-week appointment and hearing the amazing sound of the tiny little heartbeat, I couldn’t help but think this would’ve been my last appointment before holding a baby in my arms.

So, today, we are simultaneously sad and happy. Sad for what we lost and will always miss, but happy for what we have and excited for the future. I just have to remind myself that moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.